The gameplay itself is further marred by agitations such as waiting a pre-determined amount of time for test results to come back from the lab, which of course can only handle one test at a time. You'll also do research on the lab computer, but if the game registers the results as "evidence", it'll automatically send it to the evidence room... without even displaying it there on the screen! And as if playing hide-and-seek with evidence isn't bad enough, you'll also need to trigger various hotspots or locations by asking your chief for "help". Ironically, this led to the only time I was even remotely stuck in the game, as I refused to ask for assistance, not realizing that the game was demanding it of me. I guess the game didn't want to run the risk that I'd hurt myself with a thought of my own.

It should be fairly clear by this point that we're dealing with a game of no substance, but does it at least have beauty that's skin-deep? Well, graphically the game doesn't fare quite as poorly as the other aspects, but saying "it could be worse" is hardly a ringing endorsement. The pre-rendered backgrounds are fairly clean and moderately attractive, though static and not overly detailed. The character models, however, leave a lot to be desired. Many are oddly shaped and proportioned, including one elderly lady who looks like a middle linebacker in full equipment. All of the characters look like they're wearing bizarre, texture-less hair hats, and one character's nostrils wiggle up and down when he speaks in the game's one (unintentional) moment of hilarity. Unfortunately, even that isn't enough to disguise the fact that absolutely no effort was made to lip-sync the voices.

Speaking of voices, the acting in the game ranges from pretty good to nails-on-a-blackboard awful. The bad performances are either poorly accented or over-exaggerated, but fortunately these are relatively infrequent. Your own character never speaks, which makes sense, as I doubt the developer felt we'd have that kind of intelligence. Sound effects are nondescript, but the gentle background music was one of the game's better features, though even that got repetitive before long.

The interface itself is every bit as user friendly as you'd imagine a game requiring zero thought would have. The game uses first-person perspective with node-based movement, but no spherical panning. In fact, no panning at all. Now THAT'S investigation! Moreover, in many locations there isn't even a "back up" control. Instead, you'll have to access the handful of location icons available in the lower corner of the screen. If it seems odd that you should have to re-enter the same location because you can't actually step backwards, you're right. But you're thinking too much, so stop it.

If you're wondering how long this inspired package of gaming goodness lasts, I can't imagine it taking anyone much longer than two hours from start to finish. That doesn't include commercial breaks, because the commercial advertising is ever present on-screen, in the form of a large and distracting A&E logo. However, for those selfish, insatiable gamers who don't feel that two hours is good enough, A&E has now offered a free bonus case for download. Don't get too excited by the gesture, though, as the new case is more of the same, and the download may very well take longer than the case.

Ultimately, the most regrettable thing about Cold Case Files is that for all my criticism, I didn't hate my time with it. It has a tried-and-true concept, a legitimate licence, and respectable (if low budget) production values. It's neither frustrating nor glitchy, and I've spent more time cursing other games than I did playing this one. So this game had potential. Unfortunately, it handles everything so casually and carelessly that not one single feature is worth recommending when all is said and done.

With no real challenge and only superficial gameplay, Cold Case Files earns the label "adventure game" mostly by virtue of not actually being anything else. It's tempting not to review it at all, being better suited for sweeping under the rug, forever forgotten and ignored. But sure enough, some adventure-playing, A&E-watching, detective-loving chump is going to stroll down a store aisle one day soon and see a game that looks "just like CSI." You might be that chump, so consider yourself forewarned. Go home, watch the show for free, and save your money for much, much better games.